Maybe it's Time to Forgive Yourself

Throughout my childhood and into my 20s, my stepmom would always ask me, "Why are you punishing yourself?" I never quite grasped what she meant, because as a child, striving for perfection became a part of my daily life. It became the norm for me to put a limit on how much fun I could have and how much enthusiasm I could express. And if for any reason I exceeded my self-imposed limits, it was normal for me to tighten the reigns with a boat load of guilt. This was my way of living, and I thought it was a great. 

When I met my husband, Kyle, someone who has no limits in expressing his joy and enthusiasm for life, I noticed a growing discomfort in me when we would do things together. As a result, I would unconsciously put a cap on our amount of fun. Then, one day, Kyle turned to me and asked, "Why are you so miserable all the time?"

Well, I'll tell you that one hit me like a freight train, and so, I began the journey of uncovering the answer to that question. 

Although I didn't yet fully understand where my limiting and punishing behavior stemmed from, I began to observe my reactions any time I crossed my boundaries. I challenged myself to move beyond the guilt and the uncomfortable emotions that would come up, but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to understand where this came from, and when I decided this should be my norm. 

A few months ago, I went on a lunch date with Kyle. That day, I made a conscious choice to let myself enjoy everything in the moments we spent together. We enjoyed foods we don't usually eat, sipped on wine and talked about our future business dreams. It was a magical day. 

Fast forward four hours later, I'm sitting on the couch going over the details of our day and tainting it with guilt, and it goes a little bit like this, "Well, tomorrow I'll eat really healthy, and I'll go to the gym. We don't do this all the time, so it's ok." (What the heck!)

As I sat in self-reflection, I asked "Why am I punishing myself?" That's when I heard my stepmom's voice echo the same question, and it dawned on me that this was not a true way of living.  I realized that this was yet another way to limit and control myself. 

But why? 

As children, we are such sensitive beings. I cannot say this enough. We absorb so much from those closest to us and our surroundings, and it becomes a part of our vibration. 

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was love and be love. I had so much love to give, I thought my heart would burst. When my mom left this world, my dad, my brother and I each adopted our own way of grieving, and the love I had to share was not always received with open arms. Over time, I created the belief that something was wrong with me, I wasn't lovable, and I was not enough. I internalized the belief that somehow all of this was my fault. 

Carrying these beliefs into my adulthood created this need for perfection and an inability to embrace life and to fully immerse myself into the joy of being life. I had been punishing myself all these years, and most importantly, I finally saw that I was punishing myself for something I never did. 

And then came the biggest light bulb moment:

I needed to forgive myself for punishing myself for something I never did. 

When I had this epiphany, I experienced a heart opening like never before. For the first time in years, I once again felt my intense desire to love and be love, and the tears of joy that followed came with such a sense of relief. What a heavy belief to carry for so many years. 

The need for perfection and self-imposed limits are conditioning patterns that create a resistance to the flow of life. There is great freedom in uncovering the conscious and unconscious beliefs that hold us back. We are infinite beings with unlimited potential. Life is meant to be enjoyed and Love is meant to be shared without boundaries. 

Love, 

A.L.L